You know that feeling when you have shouted at someone you know didn’t deserve it?
They’re upset, you’re upset and then guilt begins to creep in.
The negative self-talk begins, you berate yourself because you just don’t know why this keeps happening. Something is going on but you are not sure what.
Anger is one of the most common emotions projected onto others and also one of the most damaging to the recipient.
Here is the thing, shutting your feelings away does not stop them running the show. Feelings such as anger, shame & guilt are often repressed because you think they are ‘bad’ and so, try to deny they exist.
And, what usually happens is that they get locked away so tightly in your subconscious that actually, you don’t have any real awareness of them. You are just very aware of your response each time they’re triggered.
The good news is that becoming aware of your feelings and beliefs is 90% of the solution.
Acknowledging these feelings allows you to deal with them in a healthy way. Your beliefs are the same, once you are aware of them it gives you the chance to practice courage. Because courage is not the absence of fear, it’s knowing it’s scary and doing it anyway.
Becoming aware of the physical effects feelings trigger in your body gives you that vital second in time to decide whether to respond, rather than react.
While this is can be challenging in the moment, it is certainly not impossible.
My tip is as soon as you recognise that physical effect, take a breath and make the decision. At that point, you get to decide whether to react or respond.
In this example, anger is a reaction rather than a considered response. Without doubt a considered response has a far more positive outcome every time.
Taking a moment to look objectively at your thoughts, feelings and reactions will give you great insight.
Another good example of how this works is, say you angry with your partner because they are being ‘lazy’. Are there chores to be done and you feel, you are doing more than your fair share to compensate for their ‘laziness’?
Could it be that really that they are taking a rest when they need to but you don’t give yourself permission to do that and so, you feel resentful?
To deal with it you lash out in anger, because they are engaging in something that you want to do but don’t allow yourself to. The next step in the process is to ask yourself why? Why are you not allowing it for yourself? What is the belief you have around taking a rest?
Until you are aware of this pattern of thoughts and behaviour, it will continue to show up in your life . And while you cannot control your first thought, you have full control over your second and third. And, we all have complete control and full responsibility for our actions, reactions and responses.
Practising courage in this way spares the innocent bystander further attacks of damaging anger. Because when anger is projected onto innocent people, they begin to have beliefs about themselves attached to that behaviour and so, the cycle goes on and on. Acknowledging your feelings and finding your beliefs allows you to break that cycle.
It allows you to say sorry and truly mean it. This way you can begin to develop stronger, more supportive and loving relationships.
If you need help with any of this, get in touch.